Choosing a Date for your wedding

Before you settle on a date for your Jewish or interfaith wedding, check the calendar. We (Jews) have a LOT of holidays and celebrations on our calendar, so….buckle up.

I know that almost nobody finds a rabbi as the first thing on their planning list - except for my one June bride from this year, shoutout, you know who you are. 

That’s fine, I just want to give you the info you need so you have the best shot at finding a rabbi to officiate your ceremony if that’s something you desire. 

What I do NOT want is for you to be really excited about your Jewish wedding,  and really wanting to find a rabbi for your date, then finding out it's straight up not going to happen in any universe. And 2024 has a couple dates like that. 

By the way, this “ask us before you pick a date” thing goes for Catholic or Orthodox priests, who may have feast days or other celebrations that most people don’t really have on their radars, but can give you a “no” from them for officiating. Shoutout to my Catholic priest buddies on GodSplaining (podcast) who gave me a good giggle actually BEGGING couples to check with their priest before they set a date, or they might not be getting married in that church, big bummer. 

Okay, so Jews have a lot of holidays. Like, a LOT. The good news is that most of those holidays do not fall in the late spring or summer, which is big wedding season. The tough news is that a lot of them DO fall in the early autumn, which I feel like is the second biggest wedding season. 

So, get out your pen and paper or note taking app, and you might even want to pull up your calendar. I’m going to give you a list of dates for 2024 that will almost certainly make a rabbi a non-possibility for officiating your Jewish or interfaith ceremony.

Now, these aren’t all the Jewish holidays that exist, and some of the dates I’m going to mention are non-holidays (in various senses,) but they will still make it tough to find a rabbi for that date.

I’m not going to go into the details of all these holidays - some of them traditionally prohibit all kinds of work, and many don’t. Still, because of the way rabbis are almost always involved in Jewish life, they won’t be available or have the energy to officiate a wedding on these days. Trust me, they’re already probably blocked off in their 2024 calendar.

Purim - Saturday 3/23 This is a big one... It’s definitely not prohibited to have a wedding on this day, in fact, I think it might be fun. But rabbis who are associated with a synagogue will likely be working on the Purim celebration at that shul, and leading it that evening. Even rabbis who aren’t associated with the synagogue (like me!) will be celebrating Purim in some way. I would not schedule for this day.

Passover- Starts M 4/22 and ends Tues 4/30 Passover is HUGE. There is so much preparation in the week leading up to the holiday, and the first two days of the holiday involve very lengthy, very exhausting meals - whether a rabbi is involved with the meal or leading the ceremony (Seder.) I would steer WAY clear of booking anything from the weekend before all the way through the weekend after this holiday.

The Omer This is the 50 days between Passover and Shavuot (the next holiday.) Some really bad stuff happened for the Jews during this period, and so it’s considered sort of an annual bummer time in commemoration. Many Jews don’t do anything fun or remotely pampering during these days. In many communities, YOU CAN HAVE WEDDINGS and parties from Lag baOmer (May 26, 2024) or Rosh Chodesh Sivan (June 7, 2024).

Shavuot - June 11-13 This is an in-synagogue holiday, and almost certainly a “no” for most rabbis.

17th of Tammuz - July 24 This is the beginning of the intense mourning period leading up to Tisha B’Av, which is the day we remember the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem. Between this and Tisha B’Av, most rabbis won’t do anything celebratory or joyful - especially not weddings.

Tisha B’Av - M-T August 12-13 The biggest day of mourning on the calendar. An absolute no-go.

Selichot - Sat 9/28 - Selichot is the prayer service leading into the high holidays. A synagogue rabbi will not be available.

Rosh HaShanah - W-F 10/2-4, Even though this holiday ends before Saturday, any rabbi who is involved in leading High Holiday services will be completely exhausted on the following Saturday. It’s the biggest synagogue day of the year and she’ll be peopled OUT.

Yom Kippur - Friday-Saturday 10/11-12 Absolutely a no-go. Non-negotiable. This is the Day of Atonement, the holiest day of the entire year. Many Jews fast all day, don’t shower or even brush their teeth. Cross it off the calendar.

Sukkot - W-W 10/16-23 This is an EIGHT DAY holiday during which many rabbis will not officiate at all, especially on on the first two and last two days. Even though it starts and ends mid-week, the weekends before and after will likely be busy with preparation (before) and exhaustion after.

Shimini Atzeret/Simchat Torah W 10/23-25 These are just the last two days of Sukkot (above.) Absolute no-work days for many Jews, especially traditional ones.

Chanukah - Christmas through 2 January  Honestly, a Chanukah wedding sounds lovely, but a lot of rabbis are either busy arranging synagogue stuff or family stuff. Call me for your Chanukah wedding though, I think it sounds gorgeous

So some of these holidays are more religiously intense than others, but when you’re trying to book a rabbi, you need to remember…

• they are celebrating these holidays in their lives

• Synagogue - they’re exhausted from work

• Even if they’re not synagogue, like me, they are observing them. Even the less serious ones, may be hosting dinners and especially being there for their kids.

• Some rabbis do not travel on holidays.

Shabbat is a whole other issue - that’s for another episode.

Oh! One other thing! If you’re looking to plan a wedding for a LONG WEEKEND (Labor day, Memorial Day, etc.) Consider that this is a very popular weekend for big bar or bat mitzvahs, so a synagogue rabbi is far less likely to be able to help you.

Now I am officiating on Sukkot this year, and even on the first days, because I travel on Shabbat and holidays, and if I had to travel to atttend a Sukkot celebration, for example, I would. But, I can’t be at this Sukkot wedding for the rehearsal, because it’s on the first night of Sukkot which is also Shabbat…and it’s our family tradition to host a big Shabbat dinner for our four kids and all their friends on the Shabbat that falls during Sukkot. 

Now, the couple was understanding about this because the Jewish member of the couple knew all about Sukkot, having had a very Jewish upbringing. 

But, if a rabbi tells you she can’t officiate because of a holiday you’ve never heard of - because some holidays in the Jewish faith can seem really strange to people who haven’t lived with them all their lives - just be cool about it and don’t be angry. 

Hopefully though this episode helps you pick a date that won’t bring you those issues. 

I will say if you have a rabbi in mind - and I have a couple who just did this, you know who you are -  it’s a really good idea to ask her about a FEW different dates if you’re still in that stage of consideration. I really really really appreciated that. If it’s still up in the air, you might dodge the unfortunate situation of that she would have been able to officiate, if you had picked that other date.

When in doubt, ask. If a rabbi is annoyed that you’re asking, maybe don’t work with her. 

Now I can hear you asking about WHAT ABOUT SATURDAY WEDDINGS - we’ll talk about that in another post - hang in there.