How to Find a Rabbi for your Jewish or Interfaith Wedding - Part 1
So, you’ve decided to look for a rabbi to officiate your wedding. Congratulations! Let’s get started.
Unfortunately, it’s not as simple as punching some things into Google and sending some emails. You need to do a little work on your end before you can even articulate what you’re looking for in a rabbi.
I know, what a bummer. But, they’re not all the same, and answering the following questions before you start sending out emails will probably save a lot of heartache on your end - and the rabbis you ask.
First - The date and time of your wedding. If you’ve picked a date that’s near a Jewish holiday or on Shabbat, your rabbi will need to know from the very first contact.
Second - Interfaith weddings. So many rabbis find An interfaith couple looking for a rabbi heartwarming - in fact, I think most of us do. However, not all rabbis are permitted to officiate interfaith ceremonies due to certain denominational guidelines. (Along with this, make sure you’re both fully aware of your Jewish “status” - a lot of rabbis don’t accept patrilineal descent as far as Jewish status goes - but that’s for another post.) Remember, this is not a roadblock; it's an opportunity to discover a rabbi who truly aligns with your vision.
Third - How far away are you? This will impact many rabbis’ ability to officiate. However, don’t be afraid to ask - if you’re far away, it demonstrates how much you care about having a rabbi officiate. You’d be surprised how many of us are happy to travel if we can.
Fourth - Do you care about the age and sex of the rabbi? Some couples really want a rabbi who is either male or female, or they’re looking for a younger or older rabbi. It could be that you don’t care about the age or sex of your rabbi, but your parents or other family members do. It’s okay - especially female rabbis understand that there are Jews of the older generations who don’t really consider us “legit.” Be honest with yourself and use this information to only contact rabbis that you can imagine seeing officiate your wedding.
Fifth - Your budget. I hate to say it, because nobody loves to talk about money when it comes to religion-related topics, but your rabbi will work hard on your ceremony, and especially if she’s not affiliated with a synagogue, you’ll have to compensate her for her time and effort.
Okay, so those are the basics. Now, it’s time to think about your ceremony. Not the details - of course, that is for the rabbi to handle. But you need to think about whether you have any “must haves” or “must nots.”
For example:
Your grandma wants to sing Ave Maria at your ceremony
You need the rabbi to explain EVERYTHING that happens to your guests
You don’t want the rabbi to spend too much time explaining the ceremony - just get it done.
There’s a reading with mild profanity that is really important to you.
Your grandfather’s rosary must be part of the chuppah
You want to exchange personal vows
Your dress shows your shoulders…and cleavage
It’s really important to have your priest there to co-officiate
You must have a double ring ceremony
You must NOT have a double ring ceremony
You want to sign the ketubah, or you want your non-Jewish bestie to sign the ketubah, or you don’t want to sign a ketubah at all.
You get the idea. If there’s anything about your wedding ceremony that you can’t envision getting married without….or if there’s anything that would absolutely ruin your ceremony…make sure you guys figure that out and be ready to tell any rabbi you speak with.
Last, decide with your beloved what kind of “vibe” you’re looking for in your ceremony. Do you want a rabbi who’s more traditional and solemn? One who is warm and wants to make every detail of your ceremony personal? One who leads the ceremony in the most accessible way possible for the non-Jewish people there? It’s best to at least have an idea of this before you get on a first meet and greet call with a rabbi.
With all this, I hope you feel prepared to start your search for a rabbi. In the next post, we’ll talk about HOW to find a rabbi when the Google search just isn’t doing it for you.
Until next time,
Rabbi LeighAnn
