Do We Even Need a Rabbi?
Do you even need a rabbi to have a Jewish wedding? No! Well…maybe. Um…Keep reading, I guess.
Welcome to the YJW podcast, everyone. If this is your first time here…well, it’s my first time too. I thought about jumping in with an introduction episode, but…I figure we’ll get to everything eventually, right? Even the Talmud doesn’t have an intro. Just jumps right in.
Speaking of jumping right in, I’m really glad you found this podcast.
a lot of people avoid doing things if they don’t know where to start. And most people - even Jews - don’t know where to start with planning a Jewish or interfaith ceremony.
in fact, a lot of the people who make first contact with me are the non-Jewish person in their marriage. That tells me that a lot of Jewish people who are newly engaged - mazal tov - are maybe a little embarrassed about not knowing what they’re doing.
that’s what we’re doing here though - giving everyone a little bit better of an idea about what goes into planning a Jewish wedding
I want to answer a lot of questions that I’ve gotten about Jewish weddings on this podcast. But the first question I’m going to answer is the one nobody ever asks me, but I know a lot of people are thinking -
Do we even need a rabbi to get married in a Jewish ceremony or a ceremony with Jewish elements?
Any rabbi who knows what she’s talking about is going to give you the right answer:
No. You don’t need a rabbi.
According to Jewish law - like the one all Jews - Orthodox Jews, all the Jews use - you don’t need a rabbi for your Jewish wedding.
To be Jewish-married according to law and tradition, you just need two witnesses who are not related to you to sign your marriage contract. Your ketubah. That’s it.
So, why do I even have a job? Why am I running around to Ohio and the surrounding states officiating interfaith and Jewish weddings?
FIrst of all, being an experienced wedding officiant is a resources and skill I recommend every couple finds a professional for. But we’ll get to that later, probably in another episode.
As a wedding rabbi, me being a rabbi is important for a couple of reasons:
Education
Connection
Education:
I’m a resource. I know a lot about Jewish weddings, and about other traditions’ weddings to some degree too
When I don’t know the information, I know how to find out.
I make education part of my planning process with each couple.
They understand the elements of a Jewish wedding as well as I do. (That’s ‘the goal)
If they have a question, I encourage them to ask
Connection:
This knowledge lets them customize their ceremony. This is the important part.
My goal is always to help couples plan a ceremony that is as full of tradition as they want, AND - AND - in a way that they connect with.
Then there’s after the wedding.
I tell all my couples to consider me their rabbi - and I mean it. We keep in touch. When they’re going through something personal, a loss a birth, months after the wedding, I’m there to help and answer all their questions
I almost always try to connect them to a synagogue community wherever they live.
So, to summarize the answer: Yes, you absolutely can have a Jewish or interfaith ceremony performed by your cousin or by a non-denominational officiant or by a justice of the peace. You can have a VERY Jewish ceremony that way.
Finding a rabbi just makes it much easier. And I think for a lot of people, it’s peace of mind.
Now I know it can be difficult to find a rabbi to officiate your wedding - we’ll talk about that in another episode - so I would recommend that if a Jewish wedding or a wedding with Jewish elements is important to you, at LEAST engaging a rabbi to advise you and whoever is officiating on what to include in that ceremony and how to structure it for a consultation session is going to be really important to you feeling connected in that ceremony. Maybe that’s your childhood rabbi and you schmooze with him a little bit at your nieces’ bat mitzvah, but get a rabbi’s opinion on it.
I say whoever is officiating because most people find a lot of value in their officiant narrating the context of what’s happening while it’s happening.
Well, Rabbi LeighAnn, can’t we just get a book? Or read online? You could do that, but…Jewish tradition is a lot like that one recipe your grandma has that you really can’t recreate from the recipe card. You have to watch her do it. There’s a lot of side explanation, context, alternative methods that you can only absorb if you’re right there with her asking questions. You could make the food with just the card, but you would miss a LOT.
So,t hat’s about it. Do you need a rabbi for your Jewish or interfaith wedding? No. Without any question, nope. Do I recommend working with a rabbi? Oh, yeah.
So, in the next few episodes we’ll chat about how to go about finding a rabbi and, if you want, how to make sure she’s officiating at least part of your ceremony. Until next time, never forget this Jewish wisdom - there is always more learning to do.
