Premarital Counseling - Reasons to seek it out or put it on hold
Just because I don't require premarital counseling doesn't mean I think it's a bad idea. In fact, I've looked into it, and it seems quite nice. However, as a wedding Rabbi, I don't mandate or offer premarital counseling from my perspective. If you’re Jewish, my goal is to help you have a Jewish wedding. The state of your relationship is your business, unless there's something truly concerning going on like abuse.
Let's explore the various types of premarital counseling.
Religious premarital counseling often draws from specific scriptures. For instance, Christians might focus on the Old or New Testament, discussing texts that emphasize qualities of a great spouse or the relationship between husband and wife mirroring that of Christ and the church.
Catholic-interfaith couples may consider "Pre-Cana," which involves a series of preparation steps for Catholic marriage, including counseling sessions. It's a personalized and interactive approach that many couples find beneficial.
Group premarital counseling can be a fantastic idea, as it creates a safe space for couples to share and learn from one another's experiences.
In today's digital age, online counseling programs offer flexibility and can be especially helpful for busy couples with unconventional schedules.
Traditional talk therapy with a professional counselor is a gold standard for premarital counseling. It provides personalized support, but it can be time-consuming and expensive.
Besides the types of counseling, there are various counseling theories and approaches to consider. These include systems-based counseling, attachment-based counseling, trauma-informed counseling, and counseling for neurodivergent couples. It's worth researching these approaches to see which one resonates with you as a couple.
Premarital counseling isn't about fixing problems but rather equipping couples with tools to navigate challenges. It's easier to address issues when you're still in that lovey-dovey phase, rather than after a big fight. Counseling helps you understand your unique dynamics, communication styles, and emotional reactions.
Additionally, it's a chance to discuss potential areas of conflict, such as differing childhoods, health issues, financial goals, or even disagreements about the role of in-laws. Addressing these topics early can prevent future conflicts.
Counseling also encourages you to explore each other's visions for marriage, ensuring you're on the same page about expectations and goals.
However, there are scenarios where premarital counseling might not be the right choice. If you view it as a guarantee against divorce or a way to force honesty from your partner, it's not advisable. Counseling can't predict the future or make someone reveal their deepest thoughts.
If your heart isn't fully committed to the process, or if either partner is being forced into counseling, it's better to work through those issues first. And if there's a mismatch in desired counseling types and one partner won't budge, it's crucial to address these issues before seeking counseling.
In conclusion, premarital counseling is a valuable resource that can enhance your relationship by providing tools, communication skills, and a safe space to address potential challenges. It's not a guarantee against problems, but it's a proactive step towards building a strong foundation for your marriage. Remember, it's about going in together as a team, just like you're about to embark on your married life together. So, consider it, explore your options, and ensure you're both on board with the process.
