Your Ketubah - Considerations for Today’s Couple

So, why would a contemporary Jewish or interfaith couple even want to overhaul the traditional ketubah?

First and foremost, it’s important to remember the ketubah’s benefit to Jewish record-keeping throughout the millenia of being uprooted and traveling to new homes. Your ketubah is written specifically for you and your fiancee, and records the date and location of your wedding. Many couples are moved by the fact that, simply by signing a ketubah, they are contributing to a long unbroken chain of Jewish history, and future Jews’ ability to learn about our lives and remember us after we have gone.

As an interfaith wedding rabbi, I have seen this argument affect Jews and non-Jews alike very powerfully.

Now - even though you like the idea of a ketubah, you may not like what’s in a traditional version. It may feel old and antiquated - that’s because it is. I love to work with couples to figure out how we can reconstruct the language of a ketubah while keeping to its original spirit.

A couple prepares to sign their ketubah on their wedding day. Photo by Kristen Ellis Photography. Ketubah by Rachelle at The Delicate Brush.

The traditional ketubah outlines several key protections for the bride, and the corresponding commitments from her husband:

Financial Security: The ketubah stipulates a specific financial obligation that the groom undertakes, which he owes to the bride in case of divorce or his passing. This amount is meant to provide for the brid, ensuring she is not left in a vulnerable position.

Emotional Well-being: The ketubah includes emotional provisions as well. It obligates the groom to provide love, respect, and companionship to his wife, emphasizing the importance of a loving and respectful relationship within the marriage.

Her Dignity: The ketubah safeguards the dignity of the bride by outlining the conditions under which a divorce can occur. This ensures that the decision to end the marriage is not made capriciously and that the bride's rights and feelings are considered.

Community Oversight: The ketubah is often signed in the presence of witnesses and the community, making it a public record of the groom's commitments. This encourages transparency and accountability.

Of course, not all couples want that traditional ketubah. The ideas behind the specifics are outdated, perhaps, but the basic ideas still hold true, and a lot of couples love the idea of putting it all in writing. Every “protection” the ketubah outlined for the bride, though, is something that people of either sex would feel happy and comforted to have in writing. Don’t forget - Putting things in writing is a very emotional experience in Jewish tradition. (It’s something we share with other cultures, too - notably, in Muslim and Jain weddings!) 

A groom prepares to sign his custom interfaith ketubah while his father, who designed the piece, looks on. Photo by Benjamin Britton Photography, 2023

 That’s why, In recent years, many couples have chosen to adapt the ketubah to better reflect their personal values and circumstances, while still honoring the essence of the tradition. 

Personalized Text: Many couples opt to personalize the language of the ketubah to reflect their unique relationship. They might include your personal vows, a favorite poem or song, or even inside jokes.

Sex-Neutral Language: To be more egalitarian, some couples prefer to use sex-neutral language in the ketubah, ensuring that it speaks to all types of partnerships. Especially if the couple prides themselves on their feminism, it can be important to remove mentions of feminine and masculine and to replace it with language for the collective couple, like “Each of them said…”

Artistic Ketubahs: Couples are increasingly choosing beautifully designed and artistic ketubahs. These can include intricate calligraphy, custom artwork, or even photographs, making the document a work of art that can be displayed in their home. I highly encourage couples to think about artwork that represents them AND that they would be happy to hang in their home for years, because being able to see those promises written in there on a daily basis can be really nice. 

I have so many couples who have chosen custom artwork for their ketubah. Especially if you wanted a family member to have big involvement in your day, but didn’t want them to give a speech at the reception or the ceremony this is a great way to involve them. 

Even better if one member of the couple is artistic! A ketubah can be anything - painting, watercolor, mosaic, graphic design, collage…anything. I had one couple sign a ketubah decorated with twigs! Another that was sketched with color pencils.

Interfaith Ketubahs: For interfaith couples, there are ketubah options that blend traditions, either through language or through artwork. These may incorporate symbols or texts from both partners' backgrounds to create a unique document that represents their union. I would caution couples to make sure that they agree that none of the terms specified in the ketubah excludes either member of the couple’s beliefs or commitments.

Bilingual Ketubahs: For couples where one partner is not fluent in Hebrew, bilingual ketubahs with translations provide a deeper understanding of the commitment being made. 

A Jewish couple poses for the camera as their rabbi signs their ketubah.

These contemporary adaptations ensure that the ketubah remains a meaningful and relevant part of the wedding ceremony. While the essence of the document's purpose remains the same—to affirm the commitment between two individuals—it has evolved to reflect the diversity and personalization of modern unions. Whether you are an interfaith couple or both of you are Jewish, the more you feel connected to your ketubah by personalizing it, the more likely it is that it will be a very meaningful part of your wedding day - and the success of your marriage. 

Good luck! I really hope this empowers Jewish and interfaith couples to consider having a ketubah as part of their wedding celebration. And remember, you can always contact me if you would like to chat with a rabbi more about your ketubah or need help with any part of the process. This wedding rabbi is seeing more and more unique and fun ketubot all the time!